Archive for December, 2006

I continue to spin. During the day I carry on reasonably, even feeling somewhat optimistic part of the time. But at night I wake in existential terror.

I know have wasted too much of my life floating – listing in the winds and cross currents. I have been clueless about very simple things such as seeing where I want to go in the distance and making my way there bit by bit. I have seen obstacles as endlessly high and perfectly sheer stone walls. Instead of looking for the chink or the crack, I’ve backed off and tread water, hoping for some kind of deus ex machina. And always I have strived give others what they seem to want, defining my relationships in terms of how the other party sees it instead of how it is for me.

All of my deferring, floating, listing and treading water has led me to this point of contradiction. Everything in serious doubt. Nothing as I wanted. The fundamental expression of my life force is blocked. I am choking.

I know the way through this is to take command of my vessel and steer out of these waters. I just need to figure out how. . . since clearly I missed that day in school.

The Falcon and the Bear

On Wednesday workers in my division were summoned to a mandatory “town hall.” We arrived at the appointed time to find a cold dark empty room. The heat was off. No one had set up the chairs or the mic or the phone for people dialing in. The speaker arrived late and told us what we already guessed . . . there will be layoffs. Basically, any jobs that can be offshored will be offshored. The changes will come in phases over the next couple years. Meanwhile, trouble abounds at home. The future is a molten landscape – I no longer see the way ahead.

That night I dreamt that I was back at my parents’ house. It was night. I opened the front door and a huge falcon came in. It pushed its way past me and I followed it upstairs. It went into my old room and sat on my old bed, turning to look back at me. I remained on the stairs, yelling to the others that a falcon had come into the house and what were we going to do.

I went back downstairs and opened the front door again. This time a huge black bear pushed its way in. For a few frightening moments, it seemed it was chasing me, but it passed me on the stairs and joined the falcon in my old room, closing the door but leaving it slightly ajar.

I had the feeling they wanted me to follow them, but I was afraid. I didn’t know what to do. I went back downstairs and out the front door. I found my cats outside in the bushes, exiled from the house in their fear of the falcon and bear inside.